dignity origami

i’ve grown past thinking he was evil.

I loved a three dimensional hologram-

i know that much,

and when his fuckshit behaviour

tore me to pieces,

I know a part of him suffered too.

I’ve grown past the naivety

of thinking that love

is anything more than a snapshot.

An experience planted between

syllables

that as soon as they spill,

devastate their soil.

I know now, love was more a negotiation

where

the table was my bedroom,

and

my blood filled a vial,

ever-diluting

as he signed the contract

of my paper-thin dignity.

I ceased to exist when it became ‘We’

cause I always

sold myself shorter than I stood.

Built myself smaller than him

so he didn’t stumble on a

clutter-brimming brain

that brewed and boiled over in tar

every night he fell asleep

before me

The value he assigned

to my imminent alarm clock devastation

never seemed to add the fuck up,

and

it was least to my surprise,

when he eventually decided

to turn the contract into an origami.

Something pliable.

Breakable.

I felt it too,

the moment his voice echoed

over all the nothingness he spewed

before devising an escape plan

so poorly constructed,

i felt ashamed to love a coward.

i blamed him for months upon end.

lost sleep,

sanity,

sanctity,

all other sweat-laced possessions.

i swole and starved:

became svelter

with no shelter from the demons that

stung my bloodstream.

gasoline thoughts smoked my brain

and finally when my boils erupted

and spewed in failed predictions

he was acres away

with distant convictions

i knew

no love spell could ever break.

I had pavlov-ed the shit out of the boy;

conditioned him to believe that

I equalled love, and

Love equalled whatever liberated him.

Gave him makeshift wings and

the flew the distance.

there were no culprits for

the murder of my love,

just as there are no blueprints

for the right one.

there was no evil in my lover,

for my lover was not mine.

Not now

not then,

ever,

to begin with.